Our Private Lives: The Secrets We Hide in the Content We Don't Share

It’s interesting, in the age when we can post freely about almost anything, we don’t always feel that we can speak honestly. Pre-pandemic, our best selfies and vacation pictures were shared immediately, but often the most intimate details of our lives don’t make it to our timelines or even into our DMs. This can leave a huge gap between what parts of our lives we share and what things we experience but don’t allow to be seen or heard. Being shut in right now might have given you a chance to hide out. Maybe the engagement is off but you already sent out invitations. Or perhaps that job you landed is not working out but people were so proud that you got the position. Maybe you’re struggling with your sexuality, but don’t know how to navigate it. It could be illness, financial hardship, depression, relationship struggles, job loss, poor decisions, embarrassments, or something else. Be it shame or pain, we hide things for different reasons. Discussing our lives with safe individuals in our communities can be healing. A friend or family member who won’t judge you, can be very helpful during this time. Seeing a therapist can offer an objective perspective and help you move forward with authenticity. You do not have to do this alone. Reach out to someone if you can.

A few things you can do when you don’t feel like you can talk to anyone:

1. Journaling

If you don’t feel like you can share it with a friend, be that friend for yourself and write your thoughts out. Sometimes seeing your concerns on paper can give you enough space to think about them objectively.

2. Pretend it’s someone else’s problem

As a therapist, it comes very naturally to me to be able to break down the problems of others. It’s a joke amongst therapists that we often can figure out others’ problems before we can readily identify and deal with our own. Sometimes we are more compassionate with other people’s dilemmas than we are with our own. But pretend it was your friend going through the same situation you are. How would you respond? What steps would you help her take to move forward?

3. Reassess Your Productivity

You don’t have to lower your standards, but perhaps you can reassess your expectations. Are you in a space where you can adequately address your responsibilities. It happens to the best of us. Sometimes we have to zero in on the most important things, act on those most important priorities, and tend to ourselves so that we can thrive again. It is real out here. Tragedy and trauma affect us all. Don’t beat yourself up, care for yourself so you can arrive to your optimal level again. 

My invitation: Give yourself permission to be exactly where you are, at the pace that you are. And decide that you’re moving forward from here now, no matter how small the first step.

On Becoming Self-centered: Finding a Balance between Self-care and Care-taking

So I did something today I rarely do: I got a manicure and pedicure.

While there, I asked Karen, who did my nails, why exactly people get pedicures. She said, “For two reasons: to make themselves prettier and to clean their feet. And (Bonus reason) it is relaxing…let someone take care of you.” I had to sit with that for a moment. Let someone take care of you.You see, I am a consummate caregiver, the kind who at times loses herself in the whole-hearted pursuit of loving others. I am deeply empathetic and sensitive to suffering. It physically overwhelms me when my grandmother cannot remember things I said moments ago and when she moans in pain, it breaks my heart. While my sensitivity is useful to me as a therapist, it can be quite problematic to me as a person. Airlines tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself before attempting to help others in an emergency…but no one tells you that caregiving is a daily balance of comfort and crisis management. You carry your loved ones through sickness and hardships, and can’t fully rest because the world feels a bit heavier on your shoulders. You may not have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but the suffering is real and your stress is perpetual. At times, choosing your sanity over soothing relentless pain of others can summon more guilt than peace may appear to be worth. As a therapist, I too tell clients to take time for themselves so there can be enough of them to go around. But as a caregiver, I also know how impossible that can seem in the face of our family members’ suffering. So you give a little more of yourself, because you couldn’t imagine giving any less. While I love the virtue of selflessness, I had to let go of the idea so I could have a self to serve others effectively. Selfishness can be defined as the promotion of one’s own interest at the expense of that of others. Centering of the self is a practice of grounding one’s experience in present-moment awareness, compassion, and acceptance. Dedicating time to yourself in the grand scheme of caretaking may seem counter intuitive or productive. But what I have noticed is this: when I prioritize my wellbeing, I can give from a place of generosity instead of deficit. When I am self-centered, I do my best, most altruistic work. My clients benefit from me being more fully engaged, my grandmother benefits from me being deeply present, and I get to show up for people whole-heartedly…starting with me.

Here is my invitation for you to join me.