Our Private Lives: The Secrets We Hide in the Content We Don't Share

It’s interesting, in the age when we can post freely about almost anything, we don’t always feel that we can speak honestly. Pre-pandemic, our best selfies and vacation pictures were shared immediately, but often the most intimate details of our lives don’t make it to our timelines or even into our DMs. This can leave a huge gap between what parts of our lives we share and what things we experience but don’t allow to be seen or heard. Being shut in right now might have given you a chance to hide out. Maybe the engagement is off but you already sent out invitations. Or perhaps that job you landed is not working out but people were so proud that you got the position. Maybe you’re struggling with your sexuality, but don’t know how to navigate it. It could be illness, financial hardship, depression, relationship struggles, job loss, poor decisions, embarrassments, or something else. Be it shame or pain, we hide things for different reasons. Discussing our lives with safe individuals in our communities can be healing. A friend or family member who won’t judge you, can be very helpful during this time. Seeing a therapist can offer an objective perspective and help you move forward with authenticity. You do not have to do this alone. Reach out to someone if you can.

A few things you can do when you don’t feel like you can talk to anyone:

1. Journaling

If you don’t feel like you can share it with a friend, be that friend for yourself and write your thoughts out. Sometimes seeing your concerns on paper can give you enough space to think about them objectively.

2. Pretend it’s someone else’s problem

As a therapist, it comes very naturally to me to be able to break down the problems of others. It’s a joke amongst therapists that we often can figure out others’ problems before we can readily identify and deal with our own. Sometimes we are more compassionate with other people’s dilemmas than we are with our own. But pretend it was your friend going through the same situation you are. How would you respond? What steps would you help her take to move forward?

3. Reassess Your Productivity

You don’t have to lower your standards, but perhaps you can reassess your expectations. Are you in a space where you can adequately address your responsibilities. It happens to the best of us. Sometimes we have to zero in on the most important things, act on those most important priorities, and tend to ourselves so that we can thrive again. It is real out here. Tragedy and trauma affect us all. Don’t beat yourself up, care for yourself so you can arrive to your optimal level again. 

My invitation: Give yourself permission to be exactly where you are, at the pace that you are. And decide that you’re moving forward from here now, no matter how small the first step.

Taking Care of those who Care for Us: Lessons I Learned from my Dog

When something is wrong with me, I like to sleep with my Bible. For some reason outside of my comprehension, it makes me feel better. Foxy Roxy, my Pomeranian, kind of does something similar. She used to sleep outside of my grandmother’s room when she was alive, watching over her every night. But tonight when I got home, she was waiting for me under my bed. She is that kind of dog, she'll sit with me when I'm injured, overwhelmed, or just in need of something. So it was touching to know that when my evening was crap, she was there. I absolutely love my dog and her caretaking sensibility, but tonight I couldn't help but wonder if something was wrong with her. She just laid softly and nestled herself on my bed, laying her head on my Bible. I thought about the implications of having a pet on a Holy Book, but if she needed the gentle touch my Bible has often offered me, then I couldn't think of a better use of that source of comfort than for her. She stayed with me to lick my wounds, so to speak, the least I could do is give her a safe place to rest her head. 

Sometimes those who take care of you need to be taken care of themselves. They may not be able to communicate it or show it, they may even be there for you right now in spite of their own needs. Don't be afraid to offer then what usually soothes you (and say thank you for the things they may not know you notice). Consideration goes a long way, but caring can help ground people, bringing them all the way back to themselves. Being at home with others takes courage, inviting people to be at home with you affords them the opportunity to cast off their bravery for a moment and just be. A friend of mine says, "We all need a little help sometimes." Even the strongest among us need a shoulder to lean on, in this case, maybe a Bible.

My Invitation:

Think of the people in your life who care deeply for you. Their support could be as readily available to you as the air you breathe or so subtle sometimes you may overlook it. I invite you to let your gratitude for them to flow and allow them to feel your appreciation. Who knows…it might be what both of you needed.